I really need something to work out. Things are just falling apart.
Losing a friend really hurts, and knowing it’s my fault and I caused everyone the pain is even worse I feel like such a failure. I’ll admit there was a love triangle going on between Kodi, Shawn and I. Shawn broke it off I guess. He refuses to talk to me anymore. He ended our friendship in an email which Kodi had to read to me because Shawn refused to tell me himself (I didn’t have a computer at the time).
Basically (a summary of the first email) since I think he acts busy just like everyone else and he just disappoints me. He also thinks he’s getting in the way of my relationship with Kodi. He didn’t give me a chance to tell him that I was picking Kodi but I wanted to remain friends with him. And that I’d try harder not to depend on him like I do Kodi.
The second email he said that there’s no way I can contact him now, his phones are going to be changed and he won’t answer anything I send through yahoo.
That’s it in a nutshell, I just lost one of the best friends I ever had, I’m such an idiot.
A window with silver paint, my reflection is what I see. My eye, dark blue and gray. Stunning in some ways. They speak for themselves. They’re the windows to my soul. A manifestation of the the truth. You see all my weakness, all my love. You see my life, my struggles, my failures. My eyes smile for you. They cry for you. It’s as if my heart is right in view. Pain, and past hurts, you see glimpses of those. All these things, all this love, all this hate, all this confusion, and all this clarity, make me who I am. Please love me.
———————————-
“Where do your eyes go first? Write something (truth or fiction) that begins and ends with someone looking in a mirror.”
A kind friend on dA gave me a link to a blog to help inspire writers. Well the woman from the blog is hiatusing because she lost her job. Understandable she has family to tend to.
I found this site. It’s a little juvenile but until I find something better I’ll use this. (Mind you LJ questions of the day don’t usually inspire me).
Here’s the [link] .
——————
“What could you write about? List 25 persons, places, or things you would like to write about some day. Then, choose one and WRITE!!!! Save the others for another day.”
1. Charlene
2. My parents
3. My dog
4. Venice (why I’d like to visit)
5. Japan ( ” ” ” ” “)
6. Harry Potter
7. A summary of my own novel
8. Twilight
9. What my dream house looks like
10. What I think my future with Kodi will look like
11. Why I want to join the military
12. Write a poem about walking in the snow
13. Write about where I live, what the house look like, and what people are like
14. Write good things about myself
15. Start a fanfic and complete it
16. Rewrite “Miyuki’s Bonds”
17. Write book reviews
18. My worst birthday
19. How the rain makes me feel
20. What it means to be happy (in my pov)
21. Write about a song, why I like it, and how it makes me feel
22. Write about Helen Keller
23. What colors mean to me
24. Write about the penobscot indians
25. Write a poem about wild ravens
———————
Slow hollowed footprint
A whispering wind
All this cold surrounding me
Creates a warmth in my heart
It reminds that my heart is not ice cold
It doesn’t compare
The beauty of my heart
Does not compare
The white cloaks on each tree
Demonstrate more beauty
Then I hold in this very body
The innocence of winter
I think of it as a queen
Waving her pale hands
Gently, glittering flakes fall
The epitome of who I’d like to be
The innocence of winter…
I’m losing my spark for deviantart. There’s only a few people right now that make me enjoy it. I am happy that I’ve been making friends and that my journals and my art matter to people. It’s kind of a slow process. I’m not giving up on dA mind you, I’m just…slowing down. I don’t currently have anything to take pictures of. My writings aren’t flowing.
I’m not really sad about it. I just feel like I need to focus on something else for a little bit. I’m sure I’ll still be on everday.
I guess I’m a little bored.
Lately I’ve been on experience project, but I’m starting to get bored of that too since I don’t have that many friends.
Also if you have the following let me know:
blogger
livejournal
tumblr
multiply
blog dot com
vox
experience project
wordpress
xanga
I have all of those but don’t have many friends xD NO ONE on my IM list has any of those!
I woke up way too early because Zeus was whining. Admittedly, I was also excited to see if Craig wrote back because, as of 11:30 last night (9:30 his time) he hadn’t. I am kind of worried that he didn’t. He didn’t even post/comment anything on Xanga last night. So, I am hoping he just got caught up in his writing and went to sleep.
Mom never text or called me back last night. I am not sure why. Hopefully everything is okay with dad. Mom cited her cell phone as being the reason why she couldn’t call/text so much. The battery was running low. She drove a full hour, one way, and never thought to put her phone on the car charger whatsoever. Brilliant move, mom!
OH, and there is this girl on DeviantArt. She’s such a nit-picker! I swear, she will comment with things like…”I don’t like chocolate but that looks okay, I guess.” or point out mistakes in a long paragraph that, though spelled correctly, are misplaced.
Yes, that happens. Get the fuck over it. I am not reading a million times over something before posting it. Maybe once, if that.
More later.
That’s one of those annoying nights where things aren’t flowing the way they’re supposed to. -_- Dogs don’t help nights like that. I can’t believe she wouldn’t call you that’s horrible. They’re treating you like you’re not part of the family. I really feel for you.
As too that girl on dA, people like that are ridiculous. People should always try to be constructive or say anything at all.
It was funny at first when I read that I was like “omg do I do that?” but then i thought about it and I don’t remember but I’m going to take my own advice and try to leave more constructive comments.
I hope things look up!
So basically there was this guy I was online dating that I shouldn’t have. His name is Charles he’s 27, I am 17. Basically everything fell apart and he really hurt me. I wasn’t good enough. Now I’m finding it hard to look at pictures of him or to see his myspace. It really shouldn’t bother me I know. I don’t love him anymore but the wounds are still deep. I still cry and wonder why I wasn’t good enough. I wanted him to accept me. He wouldn’t.
He uploaded new pictures the other day. He only used to upload pics when I used to beg him for months. He uploaded a pic of a girl whom I know likes him. I feel like he does and says certain things to hurt me. It makes me cry, I mean i shouldn’t still be crying over this guy. He’s not worth it, but it hurts. It’s feels like I failed. I tried! I tried so hard! But I never made him happy.
I was talking to Kodi about this last night, it’s really sad to have to talk to the man I love about an ex. He shouldn’t have to listen to me talk about it because i shouldn’t be thinking about it.
The only good thing about Charles was I knew that if I needed a place to go he’d have a home, food, and a bed for me.
Kodi doesn’t. That scares me. I mean it’s not Kodi’s fault he’s only 20 but…I need ot find security. It’s not in me or Kodi.
I have no where to go…I’m lost I guess.
Basically I was telling my friend about the boy situation I’m going through. I like two guys at once so for the time being I chose to be with neither. Somehow we got onto the subject of they’re one friend have a lolita fetish. She says because they have a “pedo” friend I should stay away from them. Don’t get me wrong I think this friend needs to go into therapy, honestly. But he hasn’t touched anyone yet, and I think there’s still time to make sure he doesn’t. I don’t want to stay away from these boys I love them. There’s not that messed up. Honestly they won’t even have “bad habits”. Yes they have odd fetishes and yes Jamel needs therapy but that’s the worst of it. They drink and play Yugioh cards. I mean seriously…I don’t think they’re a bad influence.
Honestly when I first heard about Jamel I was really really shocked and I almost threw up. But I remembered that I’m a cutter and I’m not perfect and that’s something that disgusts people and I had to get therapy for.
Also if I EVER hang out with Jamel I will watch the punk like a hawk I will be up his ass. And if we do become friends someday I’d try to convince him to go to therapy.
Overall not a good situation, I’m not defending his thoughts, I’m just defending his ability to change and that my friend won’t “ruin my life”.
Please let me let it out.
I feel shitty.
I feel like people have been throwing rocks at me for years.
I these small unhappinesses are wearing me down.
I HATE my life. I don’t hate people, I just HATE myself and my life.
Basically this is what I’m going through right now:
-Am currently not passing 10th grade for the 3rd time
-Am not allowed to call friends anymore because of my 500dollar phone bill because I was lonely
-Am considering going into the Air Force I doubt my parents will take it well
-Can not hang out with friends because I only have one good one that lives near me but she’s too busy with her job.
-Has not life, nothing to wake up in the morning for
-No sense of self-worth
-Is a caged miserable annoying squawkity bird
I can’t even put up with myself at this point.
I’m angry every day now.
I constantly think of slitting my wrists and wiping them on the walls, and just telling them that’s how they make me feel.
So yeah thanks for letting me vent.
I know my mental illness is not new and is apparently not going away anytime soon.
I’ve been thinking since tumblr connects to facebook I can just post stuff here and it’ll go straight there. I still need to test this out mind you. And maybe I’ll keep one personal blog and one facebook blog I don’t know. We’ll see.
